Friday, April 1, 2016
Friday, October 5, 2012
In search of love
/*
Every time I write a story, people tell me it’s real and it came from my experience. But I always wrote in the heading that the story is only fictional, not real.
But for this story, it’s different.
This story is inspired from a real life incident. As usual, it’s a tragic love story. But unlike my habit of mixing comedy in tragedy, it’s an exception. This time, there is no comedy, only intense feeling. Though the characters, dialogues, places and time of the events have been changed, the circumstances and the reality have been retained as it is; as far as possible. This story is chosen, because it illustrates how a guy feels during his teenage. The feeling we say ‘love’ happens mostly in the teenage, and we have heard many stories of a person ruined by failure in ‘love’. But I feel that if a teenage boy who has failed in ‘love’ is consoled by some of his friend and/or his family members, he can recover that failure and can walk his life path and become successful one day. But if he doesn’t get a chance to express himself and discuss his grief, he may get into negativity and ruin himself and the society as well.
The story is in the form of a diary notes. Events from diary are arranged in non chronological order for the sake of generating curiosity. So here goes the story…..
*/
Thursday 14th June 2009. 12.45 am(2 hours before the incident)
Dear Diary, I am very excited today, so excited that I can’t wait for the sun to set and night to come so that I could speak to you about today. Today Sumi’s Mom has called me and mom to her house. “For talking about Ramesh and Sumi” she said; according to mom. I don’t know what will happen today, but let me guess. Have they finally noticed my crush over their daughter? If so, are our parents going to fix our marriage today? Or they are calling to threaten me to leave their daughter by using some filmy dialog so as to end my relationship (although this is void till now.). Oh diary my diary, please pray for me today. I don’t know what would happen to me today. But today, I feel sure, my life would change forever.
Thursday 14th June 2009. 2.45 am. (The incident happens)
I don’t want to write anything. I am so damn stupid. I was proved to be a play boy in front of my mom. Why? But what’s the matter, you might ask.
Dear diary, life is so unpredictable, you know full of shit and shitty people. The girl whom I loved, has made my life a hell. Ok, I will explain you what happened at 4 pm today. We (mom and me) went to Sumi’s home. I stopped the bike and allowed mom to climb down, from the gate I just had a glance. From there I could see the veranda which was just in front of the stairs. I felt a little awkward. Of course, I had previously been in this home. But today there were more people than normal. Somewhere in my heart I felt a pleasing tickle. But that moment just fled away when I saw Anita’s scooty in the parking. I felt a little frightened. My heart split into two. There was a happy me and an afraid me. Both were wrestling. In some moment happy me kicks the afraid me and in other the reverse happens. I felt nervous. A drop of sweat rolled from my temple to neck down my cheeks. Any way we went inside the gate and took a seat. There were Sumi, her mother and father, Anita, her mother and father and some of our relatives from the colony, me and my mom. Sumi’s mom gave us both tea and a plate full of biscuits. Parents started chit-chatting about everyday stuffs. Then came the main topic.
I was just listening and sipping tea silently just throwing a look at Sumi every now and then. I noticed Anita is also looking at me with a corner of her eyes. Sumi’s father started all of a sudden.
“Ramesh, what is this?”
He extended his hand towards me with which he was holding Sumi’s mobile set. I took the set from his hand and looked at the screen. It was a sms I sent Sumi last night.
“what’s it Ramesh?” mom asked.
“his love proposal” said Sumi’s father.
“Uncle, this is not the proposal, it is a reply to her sms, you should have read that before.” I tried defending myself.
“ok, now you are blaming my daughter? Sumi, tell them what you said to us” Sumi’s mother shouted.
“well, Ramessssss said he likes me” Sumi uttered keeping her voice as low as possible.
“yes, I like her. What’s wrong in that?”
“what’s wrong? See, I told you, this boy have no manners to talk” Sumi’s father said moving his head towards everyone in the room.
“don’t you have affairs with Anita as well?” Sumi’s father yelled at me.
“what, no, I mean who said this” I felt like trembling with anger.
Everybody were looking at Anita.
Anita said “ Ramesh proposed me and we are in relationship.”
“what the hell……. How can you say so”
“your sms says so” this time it was Anita’s mother.
“look aunty, everyone think their daughter is innocent and sati savatri, but I am not the one who proposed her, instead she propose me. Ask her, I even took one week to accept her proposal”
“well… that’s not true” Anita sounded like weeping.
“ok, let me just show you” I jumped out of my seat and went towards where Anita’s father was seating. I took out my cell from my pocket, browsed for the correct message, opened it, and gave the cell to him. Sumi’s father also went near him. I too was sitting with on my knees near the sofa. He read the message. I placed my cell and Anita’s cell in his hand and said “uncle, see the date of this message”, I pointed towards my cell
“January 28”- Anita’s father
“now see its date” Now I pointed towards Anita’s cell.
“February 7”, he spoke adjusting his glasses.
“yes, now you see”, I felt like winning the battle.
Anita started weeping. Her mother was staring at me and then her with red eyes.
“ok, whoever proposed first, if you were already in relation with Anita, why are you playing with my daughter?” Sumi’s father was still on fire.
“I am not playing with her, we even don’t meet, we just talk like childhood friends do. I am not in relation with her”
Sumi’s father seemed consoled a little. He knows about our friendship from childhood.
“well, you are young people” started Sumi’s father “I am not blaming any one of you. These things are normal at your age, but there should be one who should act maturely.”
“and you expect that to be my son?” mom started pouring her anger. “look sir, I believe my son, I have given him right ethics and a good moral values. He is responsible and mature, and so I don’t see anything he has done wrong. And we all know that Ramesh and Sumi are friends from childhood. So it’s completely natural that they talk with each other”
“Madam, don’t you think, Ramesh is playing with two girls?” Anita’s father said.
“no, I know that he likes to talk to Sumi, they have been sharing their thoughts ever since they were child. But ask you daughter, he has not done anything wrong with her, may be when Anita approached him, she might have …”
“mom, let me tell you the truth” I interrupted. I sensed that she is going to say “…been jealous”.
“yes, son say”
“When Anita approached me, I said no to her at first, but she insisted me to think again. So I told this to my best friend Sudarsan. He suggested me to accept it. I thought a lot about it and finally I decided to go on”.
“but why did you started sending messages to Sumi then?” asked Sumi’s father.
“Again, sir I didn’t initiated it. I don’t know how it happened, but from past month, all of a sudden, Sumi called me one day. We talked about my relationship with Anita, Sumi sounded desperate that day, so I said it has just started and I am happy. She said Anita is a good girl and from that day we started forwarding friendship messages and sayaris and love messages…...”
While speaking I was looking everyones’ face one by one. But mostly my eyes were fixed on Sumi and Anita. Anita was still sobbing and Sumi too looked like ready to burst into tears.
“ and then what happened” inquired uncle.
“nothing…….that’s all…..and the sms you showed everyone was one of those forward messages”
So the conversation started with a heated accusation, and moved to in depth investigation and then emotional excuses and finally ended up with guilt. I didn’t like the atmosphere of the room, so I asked mom to leave.
After coming home, mom narrated everything to dad and Ganesh (elder bro). I didn’t like the iteration. My mind was disturbed. I have project presentation at college tomorrow and I am broken emotionally and mentally. God knows what will happen to me. I know I could not sleep tonight but any way good night diary.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009 (5 months before the incident)
Dear diary, I am confused. I just received a sms from Anita Sharma, my neighbor. Actually the confusing part is that she is the best friend of Sumi, the girl of my life, my dream girl. Anita texted me that she likes me very much and has asked me out. It all started from the happy new year message. Later she started sending me friendship messages, then love quotes, and then we started sharing about our home problems and now she proposed me. My first response was like what the hell? and I texted her that she is my good friend and I like her, but she too knows that I already love a girl, her best friend, Sumi. She replied that she don’t want quick reply and I should not look for those people who act like blind to you and suggested me to think about Sumi.
‘take your time, I am in no hurry, I only want to see you happy’ She wrote.
I don’t know what to do. I am a young boy. I have never been in relation with a girl and I am dying for having some. But, should I say her yes. But how would sumi feel, when she hears about it? Then shall I deny? Holy crap, what should I do?
I haven’t talked to Sumi from last 2 months. I feel that she is trying to prevent me. Every time I have opportunity to talk to her, she makes some excuse and just walks away. She is treating me like a stranger or may be a bad boy. I don’t know why she is doing this to me. Doesn’t she like me? Doesn’t she like to talk to me? Be with me? Is this my delusion that she likes me as I like her? Uff, so many questions and not a single answer. I am hell out of confusions. I could not think what is right and what is wrong. May be Anita likes me as I like Sumi. People say ‘don’t marry the person whom you love, but marry someone who loves you’. But I can’t say her yes. Oh god, help me out. Ok, I shall ask Sudarsan, my best friend tomorrow at college.
Saturday, February 7, 2009 (4 months before the incident; a week after Anita’s proposal)
My dear diary, I am in a relationship now. Today I texted Anita, that I am ready to be in relationship with her. But somewhere in my heart I feel as if I am doing something wrong. I talked to Sudarsan and some of my friends about this. I even talked to my brother Ganesh, and they all suggested me the same.
‘look, you love Sumi, all right, but how can you be sure that she loves you too.’
‘I know that she loves me’
‘hah, but how? Had she told you so? NO. Man, she even don’t care about you, she prevents you, why won’t you understand?’ Sudarsan said.
‘I think she loves me, because she tries hard to prevent me’
‘oh, com’on, that’s not a reason, can I say that vidya balan loves me because I like her very much but she never looked at me, not even when I was in the crowd in front of her? That’s sick, don’t be a devdaas man.’
He told me many things, gave many of his silly examples. I thought for many days continuously. It was becoming hard to face Anita at college those days. May be Sudarsan is right, I thought. I love Sumi, but she don’t like me. But I had to be sure. But how can I be sure, when I can’t talk to her. She has not even given me her email id and her cell is always with her brother. After a lot of thinking, I finally came into a conclusion that I should say yes to Anita, whether it be right or wrong.
So now I shall try to forget Sumi. I want to be fully into relationship; at least I can try to be sincere till it ends. Or maybe if I feel that she is good to take care of my house, I can think of marriage as well. But that’s a long way to go. I am young and I have every right to enjoy my time. So we are going on a date tomorrow, my first date. I am exited yes, but equally scared. What will Sumi think when she hears about this?
Thursday, February 12, 2009 (4 months before the incident)
Hi Diary, how r u today? Hope u r as happy as I am. My life nowadays is quite colorful. I am happy. Anita is a sweet girl. She takes care of me, she loves me. And I am happy to be with her. Her father bought a scooty for her yesterday, and I congratulated her. Today she came in her new scooty at our dating spot. I rode the scooty and she sat at the back, later I sat at the back and she rode it. I hugged her from the back sometimes to tease her and she would say
“Ramesh, don’t hold me, someone might see” to which I would reply
“pyaar kiya to darna kya”
It was fun and a lot of sensual feelings came in my heart, some of which were new and some I felt each time I saw Sumi. I am really thankful to Anita for these feelings. I saw her scooty key didn’t have the key ring. So I thought maybe I could give a key ring as a gift. So, I took her key saying that she might misplace/loose it during shopping. Then telling her that I will go see the scooty, I went away from that shop and bought a key ring from another shop in the market. She was quite happy when I gifted her key with that key ring. It had a pink colored girl with a pink dress and a pink cap. Girls like pink a lot. The ring of the key ring was attached at the cap. The girlie was looking cute and Anita liked it very much. She was so happy that she would have given me a nice kiss if we were not in the market. I could see her happy by looking her face. She was glowing with happiness. I too felt very happy. After shopping, we stopped for sometime at the coffee spot, had coffee which was a treat on her behalf for her new scooty. Altogether it was a good day for me.
But somewhere in my heart, I still feel my love radiating towards Sumi. Every single moment I see her I fall in love with her. God, she is so sweet, so cute, so innocent, so very beautiful, her smile is a killer. She is exactly like the girl on the key ring that I gave Anita. I try thinking that I have to be sincere in the relation, but I can’t help myself. I wanted to be with her from my childhood, I still want this. But I can’t do anything. Nothing is in my hands. I feel so helpless. I only hoped it was Sumi not Anita with who I am in relation.
Friday, July 10, 2009 (1 month after the incident)
Dear diary, from tomorrow starts my BIT sixth sem exam. Though I have read the subject already, those works will go in vain if I could not do the finishing read. And today I am not in that mind set to do the finish up. Actually I fear I would fail the exam. Actually, I was disturbed by the phone call of Anita. After about a month, she called me. And for what? To invite me to attend her bullshit engagement program. Why are girls so insane? Don’t they have mind. She is the one who proved me a playboy to the society. I, the guy whom every girl in his circle completely trusts, am now thought to be a characterless play boy in my society. Whenever I go to my relatives’ home, I feel the male member always have an eye on me. The female relatives think that I flirt with every girl. So they try to keep away from me, the same guy whom they used to think was the nicest boy that could exist in the world. And why do they think me a villain now? Because of that stupid, liar girl, Anita.
After the discussion that happened at Sumi’s place, she called me the next day to apologize, and I yelled at her. I rebuked her for telling lies to her parents and accusing me of everything. Then after shouting at her for quite a while, I cut the connection. She was weeping while I was yelling. ”I was so afraid…” is all I heard from her.
After that incident I started going to many places. In fact, whenever I heard of some invitation from some relatives outside the city, I asked my parents to let me go. It was very hard but thanks to my mom, my bro Ganesh and my friend Sudarsan, who always consoled me.
And now, when I am back to normal, she called again. I again yelled at her.
“what do you think? You invited me and I shall come, NO…….and if I come there, I will kill you and the guy you are engaging. And by the way, I have long ago cut all our relations so I don’t know u, so just get the hell out of my life.”
“ya, I know…….but still I have to invite u as a friend”
“friend, my foot!!! Gosh!!!! Didn’t you heard what I just said, you stupid dumbass minx, I said I have no relations with YOU, no friendship with YOU and YOU, GO TO HELL, I don’t care. From now on, if you call me again, or come in front of me, I swear I will kill you”. And I cut the connection.
I was quite disturbed, quite angry. I couldn’t concentrate in the study. I thought of quitting tomorrow’s exam. I needed to talk to someone and Ganesh has gone to his office. So I went to Sudarsan’s room, talked with him for a while and he consoled me.
“just remember that you should not be sad because of her, she wants you to be unhappy. So just be happy and let her be sad. And never ever think of giving up, common you are already prepared for the exam, why quit then?”
I felt quite light. I also talked with bro at evening and he too lightened my heart. My mind is a bit relaxed but still I can’t concentrate. Any way I am pushing myself. The last chapter is remaining. I will sleep when it’s done.
Goodnight diary.
Sunday, December 13, 2009 (6 months after the incident)
Hi, dear diary. I am too sad today. I heard of Sumi’s engagement. I was quite angry when I heard about Anita’s. Actually I was not angry because she was going to be married, I don’t like her. I was angry because she invited me. But in this case I am not angry, I am just sad, like a setting sun. But it’s not like a setting sun because the sun is sure of rising tomorrow, but I don’t have any hope of being happy again.
I knew that Sumi’s parents have looked a boy from Biratnagar and are forcing her to see him. Sumi told me this herself. She called me the next day of the incident and we talked for quite a while. She told me that Anita came to her home to show her new scooty and also showed the key-ring and told that Ramesh gifted her that. She inquired why did Ramesh gave you gift? Then Anita told her that we are in relation.
After the day she knew about our affair, Sumi started giving me miscalls and sending me forward messages. Sometimes we would also have a message chat about “love”. So it was one of those messages that her father saw and the scandal arouse. But the best thing about the scandal was that Sumi started coming close to me, we started talking to each other. Once she called me and asked:
“Why didn’t you tell me that you two (Anita and me) are in relation?”
“how would I tell you, you prevent me like an untouchable”
“dhut,,,haha……no I didn’t prevented you.”
“oh!! And what’s that said if you are always running away from a person?”
“no, I just wanted to keep distance, you know people talk a lot about us already. And you know, my parents have looked a guy from Biratnagar.”
“Oh!!” I was quite sad, something pinched inside my heart.
“they are asking me to go see him. But I am afraid, what should I do?”
“I don’t know. I mean how would I know what you think, If I had known what you think, this scandal won’t happen.” I was quite agitated.
“what? I don’t understand”
“please say me one thing” I tried to calm down myself.
“what?”
“what do you think of me?”
“what should I think? you are a good guy”
“do you like me?”
“……no”
“ok”
“no.. I don’t mean you are not good but the way you asked……”
“so, you don’t like me?”
“don’t force me…… I like you , you are good. Everybody likes a good guy.”
“don’t talk mw about everybody. Just talk about you. So if you think I am good, you like me”
“ya…” her voice became too low.
“then why didn’t you said me earlier?”
“you know, everything is not told, you have to understand something yourself”
“so you are saying, that you liked to be with me even though you walked away from me in all occasions?”
“I like to be with you but……”
“but what?? You know you girls have the same problem, you are never sure of what you want, you talk that we boys don’t understand girl’s feelings, but do you understand your own feeling? And what about a boy’s feeling. You think all boys are same, perverts, and never ready for commitment, right? But you girls are also the same, you never get committed in one thing, you have a frequent mood swing….oh god!!!!”
“wo wo!! Why are you so frustrated? I never said you are bad, PERVERT…haha” she stressed on ‘pervert’.
“look, I will say you straight……”
I was quite serious. I gathered a lot of courage and said what I should have said a long time ago
” you like me, I like you and my parents also know this, I hope your parents know as well. So where is the problem?”
“I don’t know”
Her mother called her and she hung up. She never talked to me after that. May be she was shy, or her parents told her not to talk to me, or she didn’t like to talk to me. God knows.
And today my mom said that she went to see that guy and had approved for the marriage. I was completely shocked. My mom asked me whether she should talk about our marriage with her parents. Ganesh put a yes on that and tried convincing me. But I said no. I just came to my room, for a while I lay down on my bed just staring at the clock, mounted on the wall. Deep inside my heart, I felt something breaking, a belief on her, something cracking, a dream of her and it felt like heavy clouds were moving up from the heart to my eyes and then it started raining. I tried hard to control the sob, not wanting someone to hear, completely closed my mouth with my hands; but tears started flowing. The second hand was rotating in the clock in its own pace and moments just passed by. I don’t know for how long I wept, but when the raining stopped, I felt better.
The girl, whom I liked from my childhood, said she is ready to marry another guy. I still have the time; I can plead with my mom to talk with her parents. I know my brother and my mom would do anything to stop that marriage. Her marriage has been fixed but she is not married yet. So I have time to act. But I just felt it wrong to do. She knows I love her and she even had admitted that she too liked me, but now she is ready to marry another person. What should I do? I am completely helpless. I can’t yell at her like I did with Anita. Sumi is such a nice girl.
But did she betray me? No, I can’t say that. She was never in any commitment. She never said she would marry me or wait for me. Thought I asked her to wait for 2 years so that I could complete my BIT and get involved in some job. In that situation I could ask my parents to talk with her parents, and if they rejected me, I could have run with her. I told her this, and she said she would never go against her parent’s decision. So I asked her only to wait for 2 years, but she never said anything.
She neither said “I will wait for you”, neither did she said “I won’t wait.” I only hope she would have waited me for 2 years. But she decided not to wait. So that’s her decision, her answer to my pleadings. What should I do now?
Monday, March 22 2010
Dear Diary,
Today is my birthday. And Sumi gave me a present. What present? you would ask.
Today, she gave me a party, a grand one, a marriage party. Sumi has married today. I don’t know how to react to this. What should I say? What should I think? What should I do? Nothing. I can’t find anything. My life seems to be so empty. Should I feel sad? Should I feel like a loser? I definitely should feel like that. But I don’t feel anything. I am just numb. I had just witnessed the murder of my dreams, my future, my happiness. I am alive, but my love, my soul, my feelings has died. So I just feel numb. But somewhere inside me, I feel angry. I am angry because I am seeing that the only star of my sky has fallen and I couldn’t stop her. At least I should have tried, but i didn’t. I couldn’t say her anything.
Ganesh is a great man. He loves me so much. In the party he was always with me. I had tried hard to stop all the anger inside me and he was there, with me, not allowing anyone to speak about Sumi with me. He is a great brother. I never wanted to go to the party. But he told me to come and I just said him no. He assured me that I have to accept the truth. “If you don’t go today, everyone will think that you are weak, you have gone insane for a girl and I definitely want people to say such things for my bro”. So I had to go.
Dear Diary, I am not finding any words to write, to say you. You have always been there for me, throughout my happiness and my sorrows. You know everything about me, if not more than I know. Sometimes I think I should have stopped this marriage. I could stop this, if I wanted. I could have approached Sumi’s parents, if not her brother. But I didn’t do it. Why? I don’t know. I only think that god only does whatever is right to me. But truly saying, by today’s incident, my belief in god has broken. I just don’t know whom to blame, God, Me or Sumi. The numbness inside me is trying to engulf my life in darkness. I need to express myself. I need to shout at someone. I am going to be mad, if I don’t. Tomorrow, I shall tell everything to Sudarsan and Ganesh. Though I don’t have much to say, they know everything already, but still I need to lighten myself.
Life has made me stand in the situation where I don’t find any road to move. I know that I have to move on, but where to move; neither can I move forward nor backward. Every road is blocked. I think I have only two options left. First, to commit suicide; which I can’t, as I am so very afraid of losing my life. Second and unluckily the only option is to close my eyes and ears and keep walking in hope of finding another path, another love. I know I can’t forget Sumi in this life, but still I have to accept the truth. The bitter truth that I still deny to accept. Sumi has left me alone. She has chosen to go miles away from my life and now I have to move on. I can’t just stay where she left me and wait for her. So, dear diary, I have no option left rather than to walk in this monotonous path of life in search of love; alone, just alone………..
- Ramesh Parajuli
September 26th, 2012
Gwalior, India